My son, Dan, is currently in Afghanistan with the Armed Forces, this got me thinking earlier about what a shitty thing War is, decided by politicians but carried out by ordinary people.
I started thinking even harder and realised that some years ago i had my own personal war, a war which i proudly won, it was against my ToeNails, I'll call it World War Toe (See what i did there?)
I was about 15 when i first got Ingrowing toenails, horrible little bastards they were, hurt like nothing else, and when people stood on your toes (which seemed to happen often) it usually ended up with me running off to the nearest toilet for a good old cry.
I had a few operations on each toe, where they just removed the nail, hoping that they'd grow back normally, both ops failed. I removed them myself the 3rd time with a pair of pliers, mainly due to the fact that the operation was booked, but 3 weeks before that i was going to George Best's Testimonail Football (Soccer to you American Neanderthals). Rather than stand for a few hours on a packed terrace with my dodgy nails i decided on the DIY route.
BASTARDS GREW BACK AGAIN!!
For my 3rd and final operation i told the surgeon to remove them, roots and all, which they did rather well. I also took a small pickle jar in with me and asked if they could put them in there for me to keep as a souvenir, which they obliged!
Now a full Toe-Nail, with a root, is an ugly thing, and in this jar it resembled something out of the 'Alien' films. The problem i had now was where i was going to keep these little beauties, so i did what any other sane person would do, and took them into work with me and kept them on display on top of my Lathe (A big engineering machine that made nice shiny metal things).
I swear they grew over the 3 years they were there, when i was made redundant i left them on top of my lathe, knowing full well nobody would ever go near them, maybe they're still there today??
Now if you think i'm bulshitting here, below is a picture of my 2 big toes, The Wench (More on her later) gets so freaked out about them, on holiday, when i wear sandals, i'm told that i also have to wear socks, makes me look like a Priest on a Boy Scouts camping trip.
So there ya have it, my Nail-less Piggies :-)
I told my eldest daughter Becky that i was writing a Blog and she demanded a mention, there ya go, 15 words back and your name's checked, now you must stay in Uni for the full 3 years and invite me over for Freshers week next year so i can cause havoc.
My youngest daughter Jess started College in September, she's doing a child caring course, after the first week i asked her how she was getting on, what she was doing, you know, the usual bollocks.
Her reply was that she'd spent 3 days painting pictures and playing games, i shit you not, in college and that's what they do nowadays! I was just waiting for her to tell me they also had an hours nap in the afternoon just before they drank there carton of milk!!
I'm sure that i'll write about Jess again in coming blogs as some of the things she comes out with is pure Comedy Gold.
Now it's time for a new section of my blog, that i'll be ending with in future, it's called 'I'll be Burning in Hell for this one'
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